The Complexity of Feeling Safe
Safety is one of those things we think we understand. We know what it means to be physically safe, and we may even know what emotional or psychological safety is supposed to look like. But knowing what safety is and actually feeling safe aren't always the same thing.
Our experiences teach our nervous systems what to recognize as familiar, and sometimes what feels familiar isn't actually safe. Those experiences can shape the environments we're drawn to, how we respond to the people around us, and even which versions of ourselves are available in different relationships.
In this episode, we explore:
- The difference between external safety and the safety we create within ourselves.
- How our early environments shape what our nervous systems learn to recognize as safety.
- Why calm and steadiness can feel unsafe when we're accustomed to chaos or intensity.
- How our own nervous system state can shape the environment we create for our children and other people around us.
- Why the same person can show up very differently depending on how safe they feel in a relationship.
- How we can mistake someone's protective behavior for simply being who they are.
Episode Thoughts to Sit With
“Your brain is always going to find what it knows. That doesn’t mean it’s what’s best. It’s just what it knows. And your nervous system is going to attune to what it knows until you do the work to teach it something new.”
“It’s wild how we perceive safety on a level that we are not even fully aware of. And how much that if we are in an environment that is quote-unquote not safe to us, we will go recreate our safety, or we will leave that environment to go find what is comfortable.”
“Safety dictates how you show up. And so sometimes, you know, we want to be quick to be like, ‘Oh, this person has the attitude’ or ‘Every time they come over here, they’re super closed off.’ And we think that’s them. And sometimes it is, but also there’s times where it’s you. It’s you who has created an environment where they don’t feel safe. And so they show up in a way that’s protective. That’s not who they are all the time. That’s not how they move through the world. That’s not how they are when they feel safe.”
If this episode resonated with you, share it with someone who might need to hear it.
To connect, ask a question, or share your thoughts, email: ajarutledgecoaching@gmail.com.
Thank you for listening to The Reality Between Us.
